Teaching Gratitude Over The Holidays

It’s officially December! Whaaaaaat?!?! How the heck did that happen. 

Here we are! I’ve been hearing Christmas music on the radio for a few weeks now 😂.

The holidays are upon us.

Every year around this time I have the same thought pop up in my mind.

What do I want to teach my kids about the holidays? 

Should I put a lot of emphasis on the religious stuff? 

The traditional stuff? 

The cultural stuff?

How should I leverage this opportunity to support my child’s growth and development???

So far we’ve had a mix of the above make its way into our home over the holidays, and it's worked for us.

Now, aside from all the uncertainty around the religious, traditional, and cultural stuff that I should be introducing my children to, the one thought in my head that has been MOST consistent year to year is this idea around teaching gratitude. 

Aside from modelling this day to day, the holidays are a fantastic opportunity to teach our children about gratitude. 

To preface all of this…. Let’s quickly talk about the topic of gifting & abundance.

How many toys does your child have that they NEVER EVER play with?

How much clutter does the abundance of toys in your house occupy?

Does your child play with a new toy for a few days and then completely forget about it?

When you try to get rid of toys does your child all of a sudden act like it's their most favourite toy EVER?

What the heck are we teaching our children by giving them an abundance of gifts all at once? or big grand gifts that are just over the top. Does it become more about us than them?

Isn't your child more into the box or wrapping paper than the actual toy??

How can we teach the concept of appreciation & gratitude when there's such an abundance, and set expectations around gifting this time of the year. Truth is...It becomes really really hard. 

So in light of this, here are 3 things you can try out to avoid the abundance and really focus on what matters; appreciation & gratitude for what you have and what you get. 

In my books- it's always going to be quality over quantity! 

1. Experiences over material items - if any gift givers are asking you for input, recommend gifting an experience vs. a toy. This is a great way for children to be out in the world learning all types of skills and building memories. This year my kids got tickets to see Cirque Du Soleil from their grandparents. Last year I bought my cousins' kids gift certificates to the movies. In the past I've also done tickets to the aquarium, zoo, science centre, & Canada's Wonderland. Now, this can be a win-win if the person gifting the experience wants to enjoy the experience with your child- they take your child out & you get a bit of a break! #momwin

2. Stash & Store - This is my go-to around holidays and birthdays. When my children get an abundance of stuff all at once, I literally hand them 1-2 new items and stash the remaining items away in storage. Out of sight, out of mind! I now have a bank of new toys and activities that I can either pull out on a rainy day or use as a reward for exceptional behaviour. The point is, they come out very slowly over time. This gives them the opportunity to play with their new toys and appreciate them without being distracted by 1000 others.

3. Donate - If you know your child is receiving an abundance of toys and there's no way to avoid it, then build in a pay-it-forward system. Find local charities that take toy donations over the holidays. Have your child physically go with you and donate a toy to someone in need. To make this meaningful, discuss with them the importance about donating toys. This is a great way to teach gratitude. Our preschool has a local toy drive every year so we always load up a bag of unused toys and all head over together to drop them off. You can go one step further and have them donate something they actually like or care about. Giving up something you care about is a very hard skill for a child- this is a great opportunity to strengthen that skill!

I’d love to hear what you think about these ideas. Hit reply and let me know. If you are taking your child to donate stuff- take a pic and tag me on instagram (@cori_stern) or post it in Behave it or NOT! so I can send you over a virtual high five. 

Make this holiday count!

You’ve got this!

Cori

P.s. If you’re feeling stressed about the holidays and need a few strategies to get you through then book in a FREE 30 min call so we can chat. 

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ST🚫P the Whining!

Today's your day. I'm throwing you a bone. I'm giving you a few of my strategies on how to curb whining. In my opinion there's nothing more painful than listening to your child whine. 

The first time it happens.... ok fine.
The second time is happens..... I'm a bit annoyed but can deal
The third, fourth, & fifth time..... I'm about to lose my shit (and that's not good for no one) 🙅

Whining is one thing in my house that I don't tolerate. My threshold for it is extremely low. After a few times of hearing it, my body starts to tense, my jaw clenches and automatically my hair starts to frizz 😤 That's my fight or flight response to whining, ha!

Children use whining as a form of expression. It's an emotional outlet for them. It's a way for them to indirectly unload their feelings in a very annoying way (for lack of a better term).

There is some good new to this. Whining is a cue for us! It's a sign letting us know that our child needs our help to work through whatever feelings and emotions they are experiencing.

Some children whine when they're tired, some when they're hungry, and some when they're overstimulated. Some children whine when they feel challenged, defeated, and/or annoyed.

Now if you think your toddler or preschooler is going to very calmly and politely come up to you and say...
          "mom I"m feeling completely overstimulated because the tv is on, you and dad are talking loud, and my sister is running back and forth through the hallway with her toys, and I'm tired because I was at daycare all day today" ....then we need to chat.

It's more like... (read in whiny voice) "mummy, I can't hear the tv. mummyyyy, mummyyyy, ahhhhh, waaaa, muuuummy, I want to hear the tv, I can't hear the tv.

What you MUST know about whining, is the second you respond to your child by turning the tv up and lowering your voice at the same time, you have just reinforced the whining so you better believe it's going to happen again and again and again! Your child just struck gold! He got exactly what he wanted! 💥

We have to support our children in expressing their emotions. We have to support their emotional needs, and we have to teach them that whining is not an effective way of getting shit done.

Here's 3 ways to you can do that... It's time to say buh-bye to that whining noise!

1. Make your child aware
Children need to be made aware of their behaviour. Whenever my son or daughter whines I will immediately say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining". You have to give it a name, label it for them. Building awareness is the first part to curbing this behaviour. Labelling it once, won't do anything. You want to keep labelling the whining behaviour until you start to see some change happen.

2. Give your child an alternative action
Once you've started labelling the whining behaviour you need to give your child an alternative response to the whining. So if my child starts to whine, I will say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, you can use your big kid voice instead and ask nicely". Since this is an emotional response- we wouldn't want to send our child the message that they shouldn't express themselves so you can also say something like "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, if you're hungry please tell mummy you're tummy feels hungry and we'll get you a yummy snack". Modelling the appropriate response is really important here. Show them exactly what it's suppose to look like. They need that model.

3. Give another chance
Again, since the whining behaviour is a form of communication, we don't want to hinder it. We don't want our children to feel blamed or shamed for trying to express themselves. We want them to feel empowered to express their emotional needs. So when you're child starts to whine, you always want to give them another chance to practice the alternative behaviour you provided them with. Don't just shut them out and tell them to stop whining. That will just escalate things further and you'll end up in power struggle or melt down territory. I love the phrase "try again or do you want to try again". For example I'll say "that's whining, mummy doesn't like whining, you can use your big kid voice instead and ask nicely, do you want to try again".

Try these out and stick to the script. After practicing these strategies consistently, you will see the whining behaviour start to decrease. We've used these strategies so much in my house that now all I have to say is "that's whining" and my kids redirect their response to a way more functional one! No more frizzy hair for me! (at least from the whining!)

I've got more strategies around this and any other behaviour that comes your way. If your feeling exhausted, stressed or defeated in any way then I want you to book in a FREE 30-minute strategy call with me. I've got solutions for you. Let's chat!

You've got this!
Cori

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Supporting Emotional Regulation, Turn Taking and Cooperation in a Play-Based Environment

We know the early years of a child’s life are the most critical in developing his or hers social and emotional development.  Developing emotional regulation and cooperation isn’t something that comes naturally to growing children - this is something that must be taught on an ongoing basis and requires lots of modelling and repetition.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability of child to return to a calm and alert state after an emotional  “bump” of some kind.  This bump could be extremely positive or negative - it may be a full-blown tantrum or a display of over-excitement that is difficult to contain.  In any case, it’s important to note that kids are born with a range of emotions but need adult support to learn regulate so we must be mindful of what our children are actually capable of when we’re setting out our expectations for them.  

Play is an amazing avenue to teach emotional regulation, cooperation and turn taking because children are naturally playful and are drawn to play.  Studies show that young children learn best in a play-based environment when they are following their own interests so we should capitalize on this!  Play (almost always or should) occurs in a safe, non-threatening environment so children are more willing to take risks where they may not do so in other situations.  In play-based scenarios, they learn important skills like negotiating with their peers, taking turns, waiting, and feeling disappointment/excitement.

What you can do to support emotional regulation

Firstly, allow your child to express their emotions (positive and negative) while you help them to identify and label those feelings.  We want to be careful to not stifle or repress those big emotions as this may have implications later on in their social/emotional development.

Mirror play and role play is a great start to help children learn to identify what their feelings actually look like when they are experiencing them.  The next time your child is upset, comment on their appearance and have them see what they look like: “Oh my goodness, you look really sad, you’re crying and your mouth is in a frown - can you see your tears in the mirror?  Poor you, you must need an extra cuddle.” On the other end of the emotional spectrum, make sure to comment on their facial expression and/or action if they are really excited about something - ““Wow, good for you! Look at you clapping your hands, you must be really proud of yourself for finishing that puzzle!  I can see all your teeth and your mouth looks like an orange slice because you’re smiling so much!”

Likewise, parents should model the same sort of emotions and feelings during play to show children how to react.  This may come naturally or you may need to manufacture a situation that would cause you frustration or disappointment to make it a teachable moment - “Oh no!  My tower keeps falling over, it’s making me a bit mad but I’m going to keep trying. Can you help me build it?” This fairly simple statement demonstrates a number of important things:

1. It’s showing that adults have real emotions too!  As parents, we want to stay as emotionally stable as we can in front of our children but it’s actually important for them to witness us experience frustration, disappointment, excitement etc in order to normalize those feelings to them

2. It’s showing perseverance.  A big part of developing emotional regulation is that ability to return to a calm state and either move on or try something again.  By saying “I’m going to keep trying”, we’re teaching our kids that we may have hiccups and get frustrated, but we can still get over it and return to the task at hand

3. It’s showing the ability to ask for help.  Self-regulation doesn’t mean that children are completely left on their own to deal with their emotions, rather they have a constructive set of tools and strategies to help deal with them.  Teaching our kids to ask for help is one of those strategies

Teaching sharing and cooperation during play

This is an ongoing and often arduous task that takes years and years of input but don’t give up - your efforts will pay off!  

Giving Choice

Children ultimately want to be in control of their environment.  So much of their lives are dictated to them and for them so allowing them to choose what they want to play with is a great start.  If they are happy with what toy or game they’ve chosen, they will be more likely to cooperate during the activity. So,during play, allowing them to choose activities or steer direction of play “Do you want to play with the puzzle first or the magformers?” “After your turn, who should have a turn next - Mommy or Daddy?”

Using First, Next/Then Statements

Using first/next language prepares children for what’s coming up and it will make them more likely to comply with a request if it comes with a bit of a warning rather than a surprise. “First Myka is going to do some drawing and then Mommy is going to add to it” or “Who should drive the car down the ramp first?  Saul or Daddy? Ok first Saul will drive it and then it’s Daddy’s turn.” Giving a heads up to what will be coming next is helpful for children to learn to regulate their emotions.

Using Simple Language and Practice, Practice, Practice!

Encourage turn-taking and sharing with simple language like “my turn, your turn” or “Mommy’s turn, Claire’s turn”.  Younger children don’t have the cognitive capacity to listen to a long-winded explanation about sharing, especially if they may be getting into a heightened emotional state.  So best to use simple, short and consistent phrases that they understand. Modelling these strategies over and over will help reinforce these concepts. Practice makes permanent.

Engaging in Imaginative/Pretend Play

Imaginative play is a GREAT way to act out real-life social and emotional scenes in a safe and fun environment (while stealthily teaching cooperation skills!).  Role play situations that they are interested and engaged in. The kitchen/cooking/restaurant is generally a popular role play scenario - kids love acting out things that are familiar to them.  In these types of scenarios, you can play out patience (waiting your turn to be seated at the table if you’re pretending you’re in a restaurant for example), making choices and turn taking (ordering your food), dealing with disappointment (“I’m sorry James, we don’t have any more hamburgers today, can you choose something else?”, sharing (“If you’re really interested in the hamburger, you can ask Joe if he’ll share his and we can cut it in the middle”) and cooperation (“Oh dear, the dishwasher is broken in the kitchen - who can help me wash up the dishes in the sink?”).  

Remember -  self-regulation and cooperation are difficult and complex concepts to master!  Be persistent, consistent and patient and they will eventually internalize it all.

Mary Wolff & Talia Shapero

Co-Founders, Smart Cookie Club

Visit The Smart Cookie Club online for more info about play based learning!

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My biggest 2018 accomplishment

Happy 2019!!!

I want to take this opportunity to wish you and your family a very healthy and happy new year.

From my family to yours!!! 🎉🎉🎉

So... did you make it to midnight? I certainly DID NOT! I saw 11:45 on the clock and still can't believe I made it that late- lame?

maybe a bit? maybe not!

what does it matter anymore?

I just spent the last two weeks out of the city at my cottage unplugged with family & friends. What matters to me is.... spending quality time with those that matter, making memories, & watching my kids have the time of their lives.

As I reflect back on 2018, I have so much to be grateful for. I have my health, my family, & my friends.

My biggest accomplishment of 2018.......This past year, I made a HUGE move and left my clinical job after 12 years to pursue this amazing work full time. This was extremely hard for me to do. It took me 6 months to make the decision to do it and another 6 months to act on it. With a TON of support behind me, I have been able to create a business and job, which doesn't really feel like work to me! I've created more work/life/home balance which was big on my 2018 goal list. It's been an amazing transition and has me doing a happy dance every. single. day. 💃💃💃

I'm now able to work with amazing parents like you to help find more balance within the parenting role!

I get to help parents feel more relaxed with their children so they can enjoy their time with them!

I get to help parents feel more confident when it comes to disciplining, setting boundaries, & expectations!

I get to help parents understand why their kids have certain behaviours and how to exactly deal with them!

I get to help parents support their children in succeeding in school!

Most importantly, I get to help parents improve the quality of their relationship with their child so they can be the best possible parent. A win-win for both parent & child!

Do you have any parenting goals for 2019? I'd love to hear from you! Leave a comment and let me know what you'll be focusing on this year. My biggest one will be figuring out how to get more sleep. I'm a night owl and love my down time in the evening, but it definitely comes at a cost the next morning. Unfortunately, I lose my patience very quickly with my kiddies when I'm tired- totally avoidable and I'm really hoping to curb this in 2019. Wish me luck 😴

Cheers to a healthy 2019! You've got this!

Cori

p.s. If you are a parent of a picky eater and want solutions to help support nutrition & mealtimes in 2019, then I've got something really good for you! Starting January 16th I'll be hosting an online Parent Masterclass with Dietician Ahuva Magder Hershkop. We will be providing a ton of strategies to support your picky eater. There are still a few spots left & New Years pricing is in effect for 2 more days. Grab your seat here!

Parenting Epidemic 2018

This summer my husband and I took a leap and pulled our kids out of daycare & camp for the month of August and spent the entire month together at our cottage. We figured why not do it while they are still young enough not to fight us on it.

We didn't know what to expect.

We didn’t know if we would last the entire month.

We didn’t know if the kids would be busy enough to keep them happy.

We didn’t know if the kids would be bored without other kids to play with all day every day.

We certainly didn’t anticipate it being as successful as it was!

Most people thought we were crazy for doing this because a month is a long time to keep your kids entertained and busy without going nutso. Many people questioned what the heck we were going to do with our kids for an entire month?!?

Well here we are! Survivors! We managed to slow down time and capture the most quality moments with our 2 children that we will never get back. We managed to shift away from work mode, and put that energy into time with our kids and each other. We both stopped moving and thinking so fast and adapted to our children’s paces. These were all choices we made. Choices that I’m forever grateful for. These are choices that I will continue to make on the days that I am home with my kids.

Why?

Because throughout the month of August…

My kids were happy. My kids were calm. My kids were relaxed. My kids were playful. My kids were compliant. My kids were kind. My kids slept well. My kids were healthy.

What more can a parent ask for?!?!?

…so what was so different in August from every other month of the year? no-doubt, there was a shift in quality, when we talk about our interactions with our children. For the most part, they had our undivided attention. We engaged in so many activities with them on a daily basis without the burden of our phones in our pockets or hands. We didn’t allow ourselves to get distracted by nonsense stuff that could wait until a later time. This was a true win-win situation for all of us.

If we look at this month away as a little social experiment then our results indicate that WE HAVE A HUGE PARENTING EPIDEMIC on our hands…. so huge that we don’t even realize it in the moment. I’ll preface this with the fact that the way you spend time with your child is directly related to your child’s behaviour. To keep it simple, if you keep your child’s attention bucket full then you will have a very happy child on your hands. If your child isn’t getting enough of your undivided attention on a consistent basis, then you will find yourself dealing with more defiant child.

I ask you this….

Do you spend time glancing at your emails when you are with your child?

Do you scroll through your social media platforms while your child plays at your side?

Do you multitask at home on your computer, while your child is hanging out watching tv in the same room?

If you answered yes to any of the above then please put down your cell phones and computers until your child is asleep. Your child needs your undivided attention.

Stop multitasking, stop checking your emails, and stop glancing at social media when you think they don't realize. They absorb everything about your non-verbal communication and behaviour.

I’m guilty here and didn’t realize the extent of it until August when I decided to shift gears during my children’s waking hours.

I challenge you to be more present with your child. 
I challenge you to be more emotionally available for your child. 
I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and feel silly when you play with your child.

Accept my challenge and I can guarantee you a very happy, relaxed and well behaved child.

Are you in?

-cori

p.s. if you accepted the challenge then I want to hear from you, let me know how it goes.

p.s.s. If you need strategies to help curb your own behaviour to make this happen then I want you to connect with me asap by booking in a free 30-minute consult right here! I’ll be posting lots of strategies around this in Behave it or NOT!

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10 ways to foster growth & development over the summer

Summer is officially here! Yay!!! I find there’s a special relationship between the summer and a child’s growth and development. My own theory is that school is out, camp is in, and thus kids are overall more relaxed. A happy child is a relaxed child, and a relaxed child learns best. This also holds true for toddlers who aren’t in school yet. I find they spend A LOT more time outside, which means more time to move and groove. The more active the child, the more in balance they are internally and thus the more relaxed they are overall. The developmental leaps that take place over the summer are always the most obvious to me.

With that said, children don’t make these leaps on their own. They count on you for a lot of it. Here are 10 ways to maximize your time over the summer to foster growth and development.

Here it is…

1. Set up a solid structure & routine

Children thrive off of predictability. They do really well when they know what to expect and what’s coming next. So if your child is not in a full time daycare or camp program, make sure you are providing a solid structure throughout their days and weeks in the summer. Create a structure with very clear expectations and outcomes and create a summer routine that allows them to have lots of opportunity to experience new learning opportunities. If you can accomplish this, then your transition into the fall and start of school will be a breeze. This will also help keep disruptive behaviours down.

2. Provide your child with opportunity to contribute to your household

Toddlers & school-aged children need to feel a sense of empowerment to satisfy their developmental needs. They are now at a stage where they are becoming independent little people and learning how the exercise control over their world. The most functional way you can keep their empowerment bucket full is to start letting them contribute to household tasks. For example; making their bed, sorting laundry, putting their clothes in the laundry basket, preparing simple foods, turning lights on and off when you enter and exit a room, and the list goes on…. This won't happen over night, there's some teaching involved here but trust me... a little teaching now will help you out big time in the long run. Don’t forget to make this super FUN!

3. Lots of physical activity

Summer time is the best time to be outside and give your child lots opportunities to engage in proprioceptive and vestibular movement. These movements are necessary to awaken all the sense our bodies need to develop strong gross and fine motor skills. Let them climb ladders and slides, hang from monkey bars and problem solve their way through different playground structures. Bonus is that your child will build confidence and self-esteem from this!

4. Let them “do it myself” and “help”

The name of the game is INDEPENDENCE at this stage of development. This might be the most painful thing for some parents because we know there’s a dreaded mess that’s going to follow or just create more work for us but…. We have to see the value in process over product here. Children are convinced they are “response-able” at this stage and if we send them a message that we think otherwise then what are we really teaching them? Be patient, take a deep breath, and be ok with a little bit of mess.

5. Teach responsibility around peer and/or sibling interactions

Stop forcing your child to say “sorry”. What’s the point? What are you actually teaching them? You’ll be better off to help them label their own emotions when they are confronted with a conflict  and help them work through those emotions. Empathize with them and let them know that you also experience these emotions. Once your child is calm then you can talk resolution with them. Ask them what they could do different next time. Ask them what they’ve learned from the situation. You might be shocked to see how inclined they are to apologize on their own or problem solve a little better next time. This does however take time and work, so don’t give up if it doesn’t resonate the first time around.

6. Model responsibility around caring for items

You are your child’s greatest role model in life! Be very explicit about choices you are making in and around the house. Start speaking your thoughts out loud. For example; “I forgot I left my shirt on the floor, I better pick it up and put it away” or “I’m feeling so tired but I better put my books away so I can find them tomorrow”. Model and they will do!

7. Teach your child a new skill every week!

This is the best! Create list of new skills you want your child to learn over the summer. Every week you are going to focus on one new skill and provide a ton of opportunity to practice that new skills. This is your time to get creative!!! If you have a child entering Kindergarten in the fall, this is the perfect opportunity to work on some of those essential skills they need for the Kindergarten transition- such as holding a crayon properly, using scissors, getting dressed by themselves, using buttons and zippers, opening and closing food containers, and the list goes on…. have fun with it!

8. Foster problem solving skills

The goal here is to present your child with new situations and activities and start asking them question to problem solve through them instead of telling them what to do. Encourage your child to explore different solutions and even ask questions if they are unsure. If you are binging on playground time while the weather is nice this is the perfect opportunity to foster problem solving skills. Take your child to new playgrounds and let them figure out how to navigate through the different play structures. If they get stuck, present them with questions to spark their thoughts. For example; “what can you grab on to to make it to the next level?”

9. Encourage risk taking

Be honest here… How many times a day do you say “be careful” to your child? We need to be cognizant of this and try to limit this expression. We need to expect bumps and bruises along the way. Taking risks presents our children with challenges. Working through challenges makes them feel so good!!! HELLO self-esteem! This will take them a lot further in their growth and development than constantly hearing “good job”, “ you did it”. Let them feel it intrinsically!

10. Do something a little extraordinary

It’s summer time!!! This is the time to do something new, novel, and extraordinary with your child. Give them an experience they’ve never had before. Whether it’s going to an amusement park, the theatre for the first time, a sleep-over, or blueberry picking (one of my personal favourites). These novel experiences are priceless learning opportunities for your child. Exposing them to something new will just help widen their view of the world and broaden their understanding of their own emotions, thoughts, and relationships with other people and things.

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