Supporting Emotional Regulation, Turn Taking and Cooperation in a Play-Based Environment

We know the early years of a child’s life are the most critical in developing his or hers social and emotional development.  Developing emotional regulation and cooperation isn’t something that comes naturally to growing children - this is something that must be taught on an ongoing basis and requires lots of modelling and repetition.

What is emotional regulation?

Emotional regulation refers to the ability of child to return to a calm and alert state after an emotional  “bump” of some kind.  This bump could be extremely positive or negative - it may be a full-blown tantrum or a display of over-excitement that is difficult to contain.  In any case, it’s important to note that kids are born with a range of emotions but need adult support to learn regulate so we must be mindful of what our children are actually capable of when we’re setting out our expectations for them.  

Play is an amazing avenue to teach emotional regulation, cooperation and turn taking because children are naturally playful and are drawn to play.  Studies show that young children learn best in a play-based environment when they are following their own interests so we should capitalize on this!  Play (almost always or should) occurs in a safe, non-threatening environment so children are more willing to take risks where they may not do so in other situations.  In play-based scenarios, they learn important skills like negotiating with their peers, taking turns, waiting, and feeling disappointment/excitement.

What you can do to support emotional regulation

Firstly, allow your child to express their emotions (positive and negative) while you help them to identify and label those feelings.  We want to be careful to not stifle or repress those big emotions as this may have implications later on in their social/emotional development.

Mirror play and role play is a great start to help children learn to identify what their feelings actually look like when they are experiencing them.  The next time your child is upset, comment on their appearance and have them see what they look like: “Oh my goodness, you look really sad, you’re crying and your mouth is in a frown - can you see your tears in the mirror?  Poor you, you must need an extra cuddle.” On the other end of the emotional spectrum, make sure to comment on their facial expression and/or action if they are really excited about something - ““Wow, good for you! Look at you clapping your hands, you must be really proud of yourself for finishing that puzzle!  I can see all your teeth and your mouth looks like an orange slice because you’re smiling so much!”

Likewise, parents should model the same sort of emotions and feelings during play to show children how to react.  This may come naturally or you may need to manufacture a situation that would cause you frustration or disappointment to make it a teachable moment - “Oh no!  My tower keeps falling over, it’s making me a bit mad but I’m going to keep trying. Can you help me build it?” This fairly simple statement demonstrates a number of important things:

1. It’s showing that adults have real emotions too!  As parents, we want to stay as emotionally stable as we can in front of our children but it’s actually important for them to witness us experience frustration, disappointment, excitement etc in order to normalize those feelings to them

2. It’s showing perseverance.  A big part of developing emotional regulation is that ability to return to a calm state and either move on or try something again.  By saying “I’m going to keep trying”, we’re teaching our kids that we may have hiccups and get frustrated, but we can still get over it and return to the task at hand

3. It’s showing the ability to ask for help.  Self-regulation doesn’t mean that children are completely left on their own to deal with their emotions, rather they have a constructive set of tools and strategies to help deal with them.  Teaching our kids to ask for help is one of those strategies

Teaching sharing and cooperation during play

This is an ongoing and often arduous task that takes years and years of input but don’t give up - your efforts will pay off!  

Giving Choice

Children ultimately want to be in control of their environment.  So much of their lives are dictated to them and for them so allowing them to choose what they want to play with is a great start.  If they are happy with what toy or game they’ve chosen, they will be more likely to cooperate during the activity. So,during play, allowing them to choose activities or steer direction of play “Do you want to play with the puzzle first or the magformers?” “After your turn, who should have a turn next - Mommy or Daddy?”

Using First, Next/Then Statements

Using first/next language prepares children for what’s coming up and it will make them more likely to comply with a request if it comes with a bit of a warning rather than a surprise. “First Myka is going to do some drawing and then Mommy is going to add to it” or “Who should drive the car down the ramp first?  Saul or Daddy? Ok first Saul will drive it and then it’s Daddy’s turn.” Giving a heads up to what will be coming next is helpful for children to learn to regulate their emotions.

Using Simple Language and Practice, Practice, Practice!

Encourage turn-taking and sharing with simple language like “my turn, your turn” or “Mommy’s turn, Claire’s turn”.  Younger children don’t have the cognitive capacity to listen to a long-winded explanation about sharing, especially if they may be getting into a heightened emotional state.  So best to use simple, short and consistent phrases that they understand. Modelling these strategies over and over will help reinforce these concepts. Practice makes permanent.

Engaging in Imaginative/Pretend Play

Imaginative play is a GREAT way to act out real-life social and emotional scenes in a safe and fun environment (while stealthily teaching cooperation skills!).  Role play situations that they are interested and engaged in. The kitchen/cooking/restaurant is generally a popular role play scenario - kids love acting out things that are familiar to them.  In these types of scenarios, you can play out patience (waiting your turn to be seated at the table if you’re pretending you’re in a restaurant for example), making choices and turn taking (ordering your food), dealing with disappointment (“I’m sorry James, we don’t have any more hamburgers today, can you choose something else?”, sharing (“If you’re really interested in the hamburger, you can ask Joe if he’ll share his and we can cut it in the middle”) and cooperation (“Oh dear, the dishwasher is broken in the kitchen - who can help me wash up the dishes in the sink?”).  

Remember -  self-regulation and cooperation are difficult and complex concepts to master!  Be persistent, consistent and patient and they will eventually internalize it all.

Mary Wolff & Talia Shapero

Co-Founders, Smart Cookie Club

Visit The Smart Cookie Club online for more info about play based learning!

Double-click to edit...

10 ways to foster growth & development over the summer

Summer is officially here! Yay!!! I find there’s a special relationship between the summer and a child’s growth and development. My own theory is that school is out, camp is in, and thus kids are overall more relaxed. A happy child is a relaxed child, and a relaxed child learns best. This also holds true for toddlers who aren’t in school yet. I find they spend A LOT more time outside, which means more time to move and groove. The more active the child, the more in balance they are internally and thus the more relaxed they are overall. The developmental leaps that take place over the summer are always the most obvious to me.

With that said, children don’t make these leaps on their own. They count on you for a lot of it. Here are 10 ways to maximize your time over the summer to foster growth and development.

Here it is…

1. Set up a solid structure & routine

Children thrive off of predictability. They do really well when they know what to expect and what’s coming next. So if your child is not in a full time daycare or camp program, make sure you are providing a solid structure throughout their days and weeks in the summer. Create a structure with very clear expectations and outcomes and create a summer routine that allows them to have lots of opportunity to experience new learning opportunities. If you can accomplish this, then your transition into the fall and start of school will be a breeze. This will also help keep disruptive behaviours down.

2. Provide your child with opportunity to contribute to your household

Toddlers & school-aged children need to feel a sense of empowerment to satisfy their developmental needs. They are now at a stage where they are becoming independent little people and learning how the exercise control over their world. The most functional way you can keep their empowerment bucket full is to start letting them contribute to household tasks. For example; making their bed, sorting laundry, putting their clothes in the laundry basket, preparing simple foods, turning lights on and off when you enter and exit a room, and the list goes on…. This won't happen over night, there's some teaching involved here but trust me... a little teaching now will help you out big time in the long run. Don’t forget to make this super FUN!

3. Lots of physical activity

Summer time is the best time to be outside and give your child lots opportunities to engage in proprioceptive and vestibular movement. These movements are necessary to awaken all the sense our bodies need to develop strong gross and fine motor skills. Let them climb ladders and slides, hang from monkey bars and problem solve their way through different playground structures. Bonus is that your child will build confidence and self-esteem from this!

4. Let them “do it myself” and “help”

The name of the game is INDEPENDENCE at this stage of development. This might be the most painful thing for some parents because we know there’s a dreaded mess that’s going to follow or just create more work for us but…. We have to see the value in process over product here. Children are convinced they are “response-able” at this stage and if we send them a message that we think otherwise then what are we really teaching them? Be patient, take a deep breath, and be ok with a little bit of mess.

5. Teach responsibility around peer and/or sibling interactions

Stop forcing your child to say “sorry”. What’s the point? What are you actually teaching them? You’ll be better off to help them label their own emotions when they are confronted with a conflict  and help them work through those emotions. Empathize with them and let them know that you also experience these emotions. Once your child is calm then you can talk resolution with them. Ask them what they could do different next time. Ask them what they’ve learned from the situation. You might be shocked to see how inclined they are to apologize on their own or problem solve a little better next time. This does however take time and work, so don’t give up if it doesn’t resonate the first time around.

6. Model responsibility around caring for items

You are your child’s greatest role model in life! Be very explicit about choices you are making in and around the house. Start speaking your thoughts out loud. For example; “I forgot I left my shirt on the floor, I better pick it up and put it away” or “I’m feeling so tired but I better put my books away so I can find them tomorrow”. Model and they will do!

7. Teach your child a new skill every week!

This is the best! Create list of new skills you want your child to learn over the summer. Every week you are going to focus on one new skill and provide a ton of opportunity to practice that new skills. This is your time to get creative!!! If you have a child entering Kindergarten in the fall, this is the perfect opportunity to work on some of those essential skills they need for the Kindergarten transition- such as holding a crayon properly, using scissors, getting dressed by themselves, using buttons and zippers, opening and closing food containers, and the list goes on…. have fun with it!

8. Foster problem solving skills

The goal here is to present your child with new situations and activities and start asking them question to problem solve through them instead of telling them what to do. Encourage your child to explore different solutions and even ask questions if they are unsure. If you are binging on playground time while the weather is nice this is the perfect opportunity to foster problem solving skills. Take your child to new playgrounds and let them figure out how to navigate through the different play structures. If they get stuck, present them with questions to spark their thoughts. For example; “what can you grab on to to make it to the next level?”

9. Encourage risk taking

Be honest here… How many times a day do you say “be careful” to your child? We need to be cognizant of this and try to limit this expression. We need to expect bumps and bruises along the way. Taking risks presents our children with challenges. Working through challenges makes them feel so good!!! HELLO self-esteem! This will take them a lot further in their growth and development than constantly hearing “good job”, “ you did it”. Let them feel it intrinsically!

10. Do something a little extraordinary

It’s summer time!!! This is the time to do something new, novel, and extraordinary with your child. Give them an experience they’ve never had before. Whether it’s going to an amusement park, the theatre for the first time, a sleep-over, or blueberry picking (one of my personal favourites). These novel experiences are priceless learning opportunities for your child. Exposing them to something new will just help widen their view of the world and broaden their understanding of their own emotions, thoughts, and relationships with other people and things.

Double-click to edit...