Should your child listen to you immediately?

This might be up for debate but I don't think your child should necessarily listen to you immediately when you ask them to do something.

Let's unpack this...

Your life experiences form your belief system.

Your belief system guides your thoughts and your thoughts trigger your actions.

That’s just how it goes.

Sorta crazy to think about how your own childhood experiences are guiding your daily parenting practices right now with your own child(ren).

So here’s the deal…. If you are constantly finding yourself in power struggle mode with your child it’s not because your child is bad or because you’re not a good parent.

It’s likely because you’re hanging onto the belief that when you ask your child to do something they should listen to you immediately!

There’s a whole generation of us that were parented this way. So that’s what we know!

Through your childhood experiences this became a part of your belief system. A belief that is now triggering power struggles in your home.

How realistic is this belief?

Your child is a tiny little egocentric human that has their own needs, thoughts, beliefs, and ideas that should be respected through your interactions with them (that's if you see them as their own person). This is especially true when you’re asking them to switch gears and move away from something enjoyable, motivating, and low effort.

When you approach your child like an object rather than a person, they feel that immediately and push back to regain a sense of control and connection.

PERSPECTIVE is the greatest trait any parent can have. This is what’s shifting parents from being the Power Struggler Parent to The Empowered Parent!

Beliefs can change, no need to keep getting stuck in this parenting trap.

You've got this!

Cori

p.s. If this resonates with you, click here and leave a comment to let me know so I can send you a really simple solution on how to get your child to listen to you when you need them to cooperate.

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Spending Quality Family Time Over The Holidays

Holiday season is in full swing. 

Whether you are going away on vacation, hanging at home for a staycation, or just taking a few days off of work- this is the perfect time to take advantage and spend some quality time together as a family. 

This is your time to make some amazing memories, start new traditions, or revisit established ones.

Regardless, the Learning Specialist in me is always trying to find ways to keep my kids learning new things in fun and engaging ways. I like to build this into our quality family time, both over the holiday season and summer vacation.

The secret here is to give them fun and motivating activities to do that incorporate some of the goals and skills they are working on in school. Sometimes, I’ll create a calendar to plan out different activities, spacing them throughout the holidays. Here are five of my favourites that you can try out.  Each of these activities can be tailored to suit any child’s age and abilities.

1. Baking– Pull out that favourite cookbook of yours or go online with your kids and find a recipe that seems to be a crowd pleaser. Not only is baking a fun activity for the family, it incorporates a bunch of different learning skills across different curriculum areas. Baking integrates math (measuring ingredients), decoding and reading comprehension (reading and understanding the recipe), skills for following directions (following instructions) and health and safety concepts. If you have kids that are not reading yet, you can find many resources that have visual recipes instead of written recipes. The best part about this activity is that you end up with something really yummy in the end! I highly recommend this activity for kids who are learning to eat new and different foods- there’s no better way to introduce your child to new foods. 

2. Find A New Hobby– Sit down with your kids and brainstorm a list of hobbies that are not currently a part of your daily life. The holidays are a great time to try something new! These hobbies can range from crafting, playing sports, scrapbooking, cooking, photography, board games, DIY projects, gardening, card games, painting, yoga and the list goes on…. Challenge yourself and your kids to dive into a new hobby that is likely out of your comfort zone. Picking up a new hobby means learning new skills. Remember to choose something that is suitable so that everyone in the family can participate. 

3. Library Scavenger Hunt- When’s the last time you were at the library? A lot of families might not frequent the library as much as they used to in the past now that reading resources are so easily accessible online. The library is a wonderful place for tactile learning experiences. Why not take advantage of this and send your kiddies off on a scavenger hunt throughout the library? Start off by creating a list of things for them to search for in different books. I would advise creating a list that is broken down by people, places and things. For example, on your people list might be a princess, a dog, a mother and a baby. On your places list might be a farm, a school, a park and a shopping mall. Lastly, on your things list might be a bicycle, a sandbox and a tree. Once again, if your kids are at the stage where they are not reading yet, you can create a visual list for them by finding images online and pasting them into a word processing document. Print it off and you are ready to go! The person that finds the most items from the list in a given amount of time wins a prize! 

4. Make a Movie or Documentary- Nowadays kids seem to be quite motivated by technology. There is a lot of great value that technology brings to the world of education and learning. The best part about this is that there’s a lot of technology out there that makes it easy for kids to participate. This activity is great because you can stretch it over a few days. Have your kids create a script. You can provide them with guidelines for the script based on the writing skills they are working on in school. If they are too young to be physically writing stories, have them create them orally and jot them down as they share them with you.  Give them the option to exercise their imagination by either writing a non-fiction story or a documentary. Once they have written the story, they can put together their cast and sets and get filming. Filming can be done on any smartphone, tablet or a good old video camcorder. Once they have created their masterpiece, it’s time to call in the troops for the big screening. Pop some popcorn and sit back as your kids present their feature film. You are guaranteed to have very happy and proud kiddos once they complete this project.

5. Be a Tourist- One last activity that I highly recommend trying out is being a tourist in your own city. As parents, our lives are often so busy with day-to-day stuff that we sometimes don’t get much opportunity to burst out of our bubble. Touring your own city can provide a great geography and history lesson for your kids. Do a walking city tour, visit historical sites, get on the ‘hop-on, hop-off bus’ (if your city offers one). Check out a local museum, art gallery or science center. If you live in a multicultural city, you can consider visiting different restaurants or markets that represent those different cultures in your city. Go online and see if your city is hosting any special events for the holiday season that are family friendly. If you live in a very small city or town, you can always consider a road trip to a neighbouring city. Don’t forget to bring your camera!

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Parenting Epidemic 2018

This summer my husband and I took a leap and pulled our kids out of daycare & camp for the month of August and spent the entire month together at our cottage. We figured why not do it while they are still young enough not to fight us on it.

We didn't know what to expect.

We didn’t know if we would last the entire month.

We didn’t know if the kids would be busy enough to keep them happy.

We didn’t know if the kids would be bored without other kids to play with all day every day.

We certainly didn’t anticipate it being as successful as it was!

Most people thought we were crazy for doing this because a month is a long time to keep your kids entertained and busy without going nutso. Many people questioned what the heck we were going to do with our kids for an entire month?!?

Well here we are! Survivors! We managed to slow down time and capture the most quality moments with our 2 children that we will never get back. We managed to shift away from work mode, and put that energy into time with our kids and each other. We both stopped moving and thinking so fast and adapted to our children’s paces. These were all choices we made. Choices that I’m forever grateful for. These are choices that I will continue to make on the days that I am home with my kids.

Why?

Because throughout the month of August…

My kids were happy. My kids were calm. My kids were relaxed. My kids were playful. My kids were compliant. My kids were kind. My kids slept well. My kids were healthy.

What more can a parent ask for?!?!?

…so what was so different in August from every other month of the year? no-doubt, there was a shift in quality, when we talk about our interactions with our children. For the most part, they had our undivided attention. We engaged in so many activities with them on a daily basis without the burden of our phones in our pockets or hands. We didn’t allow ourselves to get distracted by nonsense stuff that could wait until a later time. This was a true win-win situation for all of us.

If we look at this month away as a little social experiment then our results indicate that WE HAVE A HUGE PARENTING EPIDEMIC on our hands…. so huge that we don’t even realize it in the moment. I’ll preface this with the fact that the way you spend time with your child is directly related to your child’s behaviour. To keep it simple, if you keep your child’s attention bucket full then you will have a very happy child on your hands. If your child isn’t getting enough of your undivided attention on a consistent basis, then you will find yourself dealing with more defiant child.

I ask you this….

Do you spend time glancing at your emails when you are with your child?

Do you scroll through your social media platforms while your child plays at your side?

Do you multitask at home on your computer, while your child is hanging out watching tv in the same room?

If you answered yes to any of the above then please put down your cell phones and computers until your child is asleep. Your child needs your undivided attention.

Stop multitasking, stop checking your emails, and stop glancing at social media when you think they don't realize. They absorb everything about your non-verbal communication and behaviour.

I’m guilty here and didn’t realize the extent of it until August when I decided to shift gears during my children’s waking hours.

I challenge you to be more present with your child. 
I challenge you to be more emotionally available for your child. 
I challenge you to step outside of your comfort zone and feel silly when you play with your child.

Accept my challenge and I can guarantee you a very happy, relaxed and well behaved child.

Are you in?

-cori

p.s. if you accepted the challenge then I want to hear from you, let me know how it goes.

p.s.s. If you need strategies to help curb your own behaviour to make this happen then I want you to connect with me asap by booking in a free 30-minute consult right here! I’ll be posting lots of strategies around this in Behave it or NOT!

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No punishment here.

Is punishment effective? Is it necessary? Does it actually teach right from wrong? I'm not entirely sure about that but what I do know is that punishment creates a very uncomfortable physiological response in the child's body. With punishment comes blame, pain, and (or) shame, all which trigger the fight or flight response in children. This fight or flight response puts children in defence mode. Punishment also creates a spike in cortisol (a.k.a. the stress hormone) in the body. So are children actually learning what they did wrong or are they learning to avoid the physiological response they experienced from punishment? I would say the latter. Who the heck wants to feel shame? Who wants to experience physical or emotional pain? Not I, not you, not your child. There's a big difference between punishment and effective consequences. Punishment is a type of consequence but is very harsh, mean, condescending, and harmful. If used effectively, consequences can be more respectful, should be directly related to the behaviour, and have to be reasonable based on your child's age and stage of development. Punishment is flawed. Here's 5 reasons why...

1. Punishment encourages children to lie. Once children experience the blame, shame, and pain from punishment they will what they can to avoid it from happening again.
2. Punishment fosters resentment and anger. This is especially true for children who do not get enough 1:1 time with their parents. As well for children who don't get enough opportunities throughout their day to feel empowered.
3. Punishment doesn't allow for teaching to happen. Children go into self-defence mode when punished. This closes off any opportunity to teach them right from wrong in the moment.
4. Punishment weakens trust in the parent-child relationship. Trust is built on the foundations of love, support, encouragement, and safety. Punishment works against all of these.
5. Punishment can encourage revenge behaviours. This is especially true for children who do not get enough opportunity to feel empowered throughout the day.

Parents often "punish" their child because in the moment they have a hard time regulating their own emotions. If you feel like you are getting heightened, take a deep breath or just walk away. Remember, every waking moment is a teachable moment. Take hold of each teaching opportunity to teach your children to be the best they can be. You got this!

- Cori

Tantrum 101

ok... so who here has been in a situation where your child or student has a full blown tantrum? to the point of no return? I have! Or the classic episode when you tell a child not to do something and they insist on doing it regardless of how many times you say NO? Which at that point you think to yourself... "Why in the world do they keep doing this if I'm telling them not to?!?!" What isn't registering???  Why doesn't NO mean NO?!?! AHHHHH!!! My favourite case of this is when my 2 year old Godson (who is now Mr. Independent) decides he no longer wants to be pushed in his stroller and wants to walk on the street curb. Dad says to him- "if you are going to walk on the curb you need to hold my hand"- well Mr. Independent translates this to "now that I'm not strapped down in my stroller I'm going to run up and down people's lawn as fast as I can while laughing my face off". Well of course, Dad gets nervous because his son's safety is at risk and has to keep repeating himself over and over to reinforce hand holding- Mr. Independent's reaction to Dad's words is; a faster run, a louder laugh, and the every 3-second glance at Dad to make sure he sees what he is doing. So how do you think this one ends? That's right.... Dad tells Mr. Independent he has to go back into his stroller- at which point we have now entered Tantrum Territory- and the. rest. is. history.

It's always a better day when you don't have to step into Tantrum Territory. Agreed?  If you are willing to think before you act you can make it happen. Hear me out.... Every negative or unwanted behaviour has a function to it (that's a fact! Science says so)- if you can figure out what the function of the behaviour is, you have a good chance at not only understanding what's going on but being able to avoid it from happening again. You might also feel more confident in dealing with a tantrum on the spot so it doesn't escalate to the point of no return. There's nothing worse than standing in line at the grocery store while your child is having a full melt down. Same hold true for when you try to get a student to transition from recess into class and they throw it down in the hallway. Ugh!

Here's some info to help you stay far away from Tantrum Territory. Here it goes... there are 4 functions that dictate all behaviours (positive and negative). These 4 functions of behaviour apply to me, you, your child, your grandmother, your uncle's cousin, and your neighbour.

I hope this helps to get you thinking before (re)acting! Good luck! 

-Cori

Attention

This is a very common function with children. They often engage in undesirable behaviour to gain someone's attention. It's important to understand that attention doesn't necessarily have to be positive attention (ie; "good job!" or "nice try"). Children love reactions, they love to be recognized-especially when they are still in the egocentric phase of their development. If you can pick up on certain cues that hint they are doing things for attention, then make sure you aren't giving them the reaction they are looking for (this doesn't necessarily mean ignore them). Mr Independent has mastered this one across the board! He kept running those freshly trimmed lawns while looking back at Dad every 3 seconds, which was followed by Dad's reaction, which eventually led to a tantrum. Dad could have avoided the tantrum had he not given Mr. Independent that reaction he was craving.

Escape/Avoidance

This is another common function of negative or unwanted behaviour. Kids will often do things to avoid or escape an undesirable situation. Mamas and Papas- you know your children best, so this is one of the easier functions to cue in to. Children will often try to escape or avoid a situation for various reasons. Here are a few;

• they've had a previous experience that was negative for them that is associated with the present context
• they are in a situation that involves skills that are too challenging for them. Kids like to feel successful.
• transitioning away from something very positive (like playing at the park) to something neutral or not-so positive (like going home for a bath), might cause a tantrum or a run in the opposite direction (I mean who actually likes leaving the park).
• if they are in a situation that is unpredictable, they might 'have a tantrum to avoid or escape the unpredictability. Unpredictable situations can cause some anxiety (every child has a their own coping mechanism- this might be one of them).

If you are under the impression you are in an escape/avoidance situation, you have to stand FIRM, follow through, and not allow your child escape or avoid the situation. If you grant them immunity, you weaken your control for the next time you find yourself in a similar situation. Kids are sponges- they learn what works and what doesn't work very quickly. Beware.

Access To Something Tangible

Kids like immediacy. It takes them time to learn how to wait for things. This is especially true for children who need a little more support with their self regulation and self control. If they ask for something, they want it NOW! If they don't get it quick enough- KABOOM! As well, depending where kids are on their developmental path- they might not yet have the cognition to understand something is not available to them at this point in time. "Sharing is caring"- right? Well try to explain that to an extremely active 3 year old. Goodluck! If your kid or student drops their gloves, kicks off the shoes, and screams at the top of their lungs-you probably shouldn't give them access to that special something. It might be a bandaid fix in the moment, it might calm them down in the moment- but guess what you just taught them?!? Screaming + kicking shoes off = access to what I want. Not so functional.

Sensory Stimulation

This is the least common function of Tantrum behaviour, but does exist, so you should be aware of it. We all live our lives by what feels good, looks good, tastes good, sounds good and smells good. The same holds true for your child, your grandmother, your uncle's cousin, and your neighbour. Kids might do weird, awkward, undesirable things because it appeals to their senses. Each of us have certain senses that are more heightened than others- I can smell certain things a mile away (some smells, not to-be-mentioned, even further than a mile). Little kids love to move- My little Mr. Independent is a very active kid who loves to be in motion. The kid probably burns more calories per minute than an Olympic athlete. Not surprisingly, he has mastered the art of jumping off the couch on to the floor to land on his cute little tush. Not so safe, right?? But so much fun because of what his senses experience as he is pulled down by gravity. No Tantrum involved here but if this couch surfing behaviour also has an attention function- it could lead into Tantrum Territory. The best way to manage these sensory seeking behaviours is try to be proactive and provide you child or student with functional and safe ways to get the sensory fix. If you know they like to put every little thing in their mouth because the pressure feels good on their teething gums- then that's when you bust out the over-priced Parisian giraffe to save the day. Love all things Sophie!

**one last important point that is a MUST to understand- the function of Tantrum behaviour is NOT always the same. The function will change depending on the context of the situation. A tantrum on Monday might be controlled by attention, while a Tantrum on Thursday might be controlled by escape/avoidance. There is where you have to be a bit of a detective and figure out what's going on.** Best of luck with it!

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We know your child is perfect in every way- despite that, I would love to hear from you. Please share what you are currently experiencing with your child (or student). I'm happy to connect at any time. Be in touch!