Spending Quality Family Time Over The Holidays

Holiday season is in full swing. 

Whether you are going away on vacation, hanging at home for a staycation, or just taking a few days off of work- this is the perfect time to take advantage and spend some quality time together as a family. 

This is your time to make some amazing memories, start new traditions, or revisit established ones.

Regardless, the Learning Specialist in me is always trying to find ways to keep my kids learning new things in fun and engaging ways. I like to build this into our quality family time, both over the holiday season and summer vacation.

The secret here is to give them fun and motivating activities to do that incorporate some of the goals and skills they are working on in school. Sometimes, I’ll create a calendar to plan out different activities, spacing them throughout the holidays. Here are five of my favourites that you can try out.  Each of these activities can be tailored to suit any child’s age and abilities.

1. Baking– Pull out that favourite cookbook of yours or go online with your kids and find a recipe that seems to be a crowd pleaser. Not only is baking a fun activity for the family, it incorporates a bunch of different learning skills across different curriculum areas. Baking integrates math (measuring ingredients), decoding and reading comprehension (reading and understanding the recipe), skills for following directions (following instructions) and health and safety concepts. If you have kids that are not reading yet, you can find many resources that have visual recipes instead of written recipes. The best part about this activity is that you end up with something really yummy in the end! I highly recommend this activity for kids who are learning to eat new and different foods- there’s no better way to introduce your child to new foods. 

2. Find A New Hobby– Sit down with your kids and brainstorm a list of hobbies that are not currently a part of your daily life. The holidays are a great time to try something new! These hobbies can range from crafting, playing sports, scrapbooking, cooking, photography, board games, DIY projects, gardening, card games, painting, yoga and the list goes on…. Challenge yourself and your kids to dive into a new hobby that is likely out of your comfort zone. Picking up a new hobby means learning new skills. Remember to choose something that is suitable so that everyone in the family can participate. 

3. Library Scavenger Hunt- When’s the last time you were at the library? A lot of families might not frequent the library as much as they used to in the past now that reading resources are so easily accessible online. The library is a wonderful place for tactile learning experiences. Why not take advantage of this and send your kiddies off on a scavenger hunt throughout the library? Start off by creating a list of things for them to search for in different books. I would advise creating a list that is broken down by people, places and things. For example, on your people list might be a princess, a dog, a mother and a baby. On your places list might be a farm, a school, a park and a shopping mall. Lastly, on your things list might be a bicycle, a sandbox and a tree. Once again, if your kids are at the stage where they are not reading yet, you can create a visual list for them by finding images online and pasting them into a word processing document. Print it off and you are ready to go! The person that finds the most items from the list in a given amount of time wins a prize! 

4. Make a Movie or Documentary- Nowadays kids seem to be quite motivated by technology. There is a lot of great value that technology brings to the world of education and learning. The best part about this is that there’s a lot of technology out there that makes it easy for kids to participate. This activity is great because you can stretch it over a few days. Have your kids create a script. You can provide them with guidelines for the script based on the writing skills they are working on in school. If they are too young to be physically writing stories, have them create them orally and jot them down as they share them with you.  Give them the option to exercise their imagination by either writing a non-fiction story or a documentary. Once they have written the story, they can put together their cast and sets and get filming. Filming can be done on any smartphone, tablet or a good old video camcorder. Once they have created their masterpiece, it’s time to call in the troops for the big screening. Pop some popcorn and sit back as your kids present their feature film. You are guaranteed to have very happy and proud kiddos once they complete this project.

5. Be a Tourist- One last activity that I highly recommend trying out is being a tourist in your own city. As parents, our lives are often so busy with day-to-day stuff that we sometimes don’t get much opportunity to burst out of our bubble. Touring your own city can provide a great geography and history lesson for your kids. Do a walking city tour, visit historical sites, get on the ‘hop-on, hop-off bus’ (if your city offers one). Check out a local museum, art gallery or science center. If you live in a multicultural city, you can consider visiting different restaurants or markets that represent those different cultures in your city. Go online and see if your city is hosting any special events for the holiday season that are family friendly. If you live in a very small city or town, you can always consider a road trip to a neighbouring city. Don’t forget to bring your camera!

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What to do when you and your partner disagree about managing the kids

First things first, this is one of the most common occurrences for parents.  It is rare that two people, with two different personalities, raised different ways, are going to see parenting in the exact same way.

 Let’s tackle what comes up and tips to communicate constructively and argue less about resolving these issues. 

I believe expressing different opinions in front of children is a way to model an aspect of constructive communication in a hopefully, mature fashion.  Fighting in front of the kids isn’t a  great idea, fight when they are deeply asleep or you are out of the house.

Try to find a time when it is quiet, you are not exhausted, ha ha, the kids are not running around (put on the TV on a Sunday morning) and chat.

This is an opportunity to talk about something you want to deal with regarding the children’s behaviour.  For example, if you want to discuss screen time, or chores around the house, or how to discipline any age child when they don’t listen to you, you need to express your opinion to one another and really listen to the other person.

💙 Enter the dialogue as a team, remember you both love your children and want the best for them. Even though you may feel strongly about how to handle the situation, trust me there is no clearly RIGHT way.  

💙 Except it is wrong to use physical punishment, it just teaches children to be physically aggressive.

💙 Express your point of view and why you believe it will be effective in dealing with your child’s behaviour.  

💙 Ask your partner what they think about what you are saying.

💙 Ask them also what their point of view is and why they think this will help accomplish what you both want to achieve in teaching your child how to behave.

💙 Remember you may not be right and that really considering their point of view may be very useful.  

It is not important who is right or wrong!  

What is important is working together and being open minded and willing to entertain your partners point of view.  Remember you are both on the same team and I have rarely met a parent who doesn’t want the best for their child.

You can always agree to compromise and find a solution that is somewhere in the middle or you can toss a coin and try one way first for a little while and if it doesn’t work try it the other persons way.  My daughter used to joke that they would let my son in law raise the first child his way and my daughter raise the second child her way and which ever kid came out better would raise number 3.  Well they have both raised all three and so far it is working out okay. But trust me, each child has their struggles and they continue to evolve in their parenting styles and approaches.

Take parenting classes together, read parenting books and discuss without calling each other names or consult a therapist

Some children are particularly challenging and you may need some professional advice to deal with the needs of your child.  If you are stressed by  your own parents problems, any marital difficulties, sibling or financial problems, or work related issues it will be much more difficult to be calm, consistent and focused on your kids.  Please address those issues yourself, with yourself or a professional because everyone will benefit if you are less stressed and feeling better.

Raising children is a tough job and only when they are older are you able to look back and acknowledge what worked and what you might do differently. Be kind to yourself. Try to stay in the here and now and savour the previous moments, even if they are fleeting. Don’t believe others when they tell you their kids are perfect or they seem to be when you see them.  No one posts pics of hysterical kids and parents.

Keep sharing with friends, you are certainly not alone in your struggle. Read Feeling Better beat depression and improve relationships with Interpersonal Psychotherapy. www.feelingbetterthebook.com

Share your stories and your opinions with me. Would love to build a relationship with you.

Cindy Goodman Stulberg, D.C.S.,C.Psych.

Psychologist and Director 

Institute for Interpersonal Psychotherapy 

cindystulberg@gmail.com

Dealing with challenging relationships over the holidays

This time of year whether it is a holiday dinner,  New years gathering or vacation with family, you may need to deal with “challenging” relationships.  The following tips are intended to make your interactions FEEL BETTER. 

1.  Remember you are often attending an event to make someone else happy, your partner, mother, boss. Doing things you prefer not to do, for someone you care about, makes it easier to accept being with people you don’t want to be with. Feel good about the kindness you are showing.

You are also modelling this give and take behaviour for your children, particularly adolescents, who don’t want to go to “boring” aunt Mary’s house, where everybody asks him too many questions.  It is an opportunity to demonstrate the give and take that goes on between people in any meaningful relationship.

2.  Don’t expect there to be any change in the people who you feel are “challenging”. They are going to behave in the same annoying way they have always behaved.  But if you go into those social situations hoping that they will miraculously change in the next ten days or two weeks you will be sorely disappointed.  Expecting people to be exactly the same as they were last visit,  will help you FEEL BETTER and be much less disappointed.  You might even laugh at the first irritating comment.

3. Be prepared with answers to the typical annoying questions or comments that friends and relatives ask at social gatherings. 

“When are you two having a baby?”

Answer with humour-don’t worry grandma you will be the first to know.

Or    We prefer to keep that private, tell me what you enjoyed most about parenting?

“The children need to be taught better table manners”

The best answer ever for many comments is   I am sorry you feel that way.

It acknowledges that you have heard the other person but doesn’t engage with them or create immediate conflict.  Then deflect. I wanted to make sure I told you how well your grandson/daughter is doing at school.  His teachers love him.  

4.  Pamper yourself before and after the social interactions.  Buy yourself flowers, get a massage, buy the expensive bottle of wine you were reluctant to buy last week. Something to look forward to.

5. Find the least annoying person in the room and spend time with them.  Notice the special positive moments that are occurring, the nice music, warm fire, decorations, and savour the moment.

6. If you want to address an issue with a friend or relative do it ahead of time. Start the conversation with a positive, “we really appreciate all the lovely gifts you give the kids”, express your issue clearly “we would appreciate you giving the kids fewer gifts this year, we want them to appreciate what they get and not have too much” and ask the other person what they think or feel, would that work for you?  This can create a mutually respectful dialogue.

7. When some relationships become extremely difficult and you want to change the holiday/vacation plans you should do so. It is not your job to make everyone happy particularly at your own expense.  Meet your own and your immediate family's needs and find different ways to spend time together with other friends and family. You have not done anything wrong by making a change and you can find effective ways to deal with the range of feelings you may experience.

For more strategies and tools for building good meaningful constructive relationships during the holidays and throughout the year check out. https://feelingbetterthebook.com

Feeling better beats depression and improves relationships with interpersonal psychotherapy 

Cindy Goodman Stulberg, D.C.S.,C.Psych.

Psychologist and Director 

Institute for Interpersonal Psychotherapy 

www.interpersonalpsychotherapy.com

cindystulberg@gmail.com

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