How to ask for help!
As parents we're so quick to respond to our kids (regardless of age) and offer them help when we see they're struggling. However.... when WE are struggling it's sometimes so difficult to seek out help and support for ourselves.
Schools in! #campmom's out! .... and we're back to our regular programming.
I want to throw something your way and would love to hear your thoughts on it. This has come up in my practice a lot recently with so many parents so I'm addressing it head on.
As parents we're so quick to respond to our kids (regardless of age) and offer them help when we see they're struggling.
This could be at any given minute of the day.
On the playground, during meals, bedtime, you name it!
However.... when WE are struggling it's sometimes so difficult to seek out help and support for ourselves.
I'm talking about struggling with our own self care, our own anxieties, our frustrations, our health, our happiness and overall well being.
What the heck is that all about?
Would you agree?
I'm guilty of this, no doubt!
This is a parenting phenomenon. point blank.
There's good reason for this and there's definitely strategies I've starting using over the past few years that I've been successful with.
At the end of the day you're not the only one who suffers when you avoid asking for help. Your child's in the mix as well.
I'm all about community support, which is exactly why I pour some much time and love into Behave it or NOT! It's my labour of love that has giving me so much support and reassurance from people like you who are doing the parenting thing at the same time.
Asking for help is about to get so much easier. Here are my 3 strategies on how to ask for help.
....with that said, I've got to go find someone to help me out right as my boy's home sick after day 1 of school and this mama's gotta work 😭 (something's gotta give)
You've got this!
Cori
p.s. If I can do this, so can you. I learned very quickly after my second was born that asking for help is a lifesaver. I barely took it when offered with my first.
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Monkey See, Monkey Do 🙈
So the moral of the story today is... your child watches your every single move. Monkey see, monkey do is a real thing. DO NOT forget that.
My 5 year old is at camp this week but only enrolled half days in the mornings. We've been spending our afternoons together, which has been really nice. Yesterday afternoon, I had to jump on a quick work call so I stepped into a quiet room and left her to play on her own. She's amazing an entertaining herself, and can literally keep herself busy with imaginary play for hours.
When I got off my call, I noticed she was playing in the bathroom so I headed in that direction to see what she was up to. To my absolute surprise, when I turned the corner it became VERY apparent to me that Barbie had just gotten her first hair cut.
YUP.
that's right.
My 5 year old found a pair of scissors from a utility drawer in my kitchen, got comfy on the bathroom floor and went to town on Barbie's hair.
At first I wanted to lose my shit on her because...
a. safety first
b. there was a HUGE annoying mess all over my bathroom (I hate cleaning anything)
but... I then had to realize that this wasn't her fault at all. This was totally MY doing.
I cut my own kids' hair (usually in the bathroom) and she's obviously experienced it and seen me do it on her brother a handful of times. We've never talked about scissor safety around cutting hair or why's it's important for grown ups only to be cutting.
She didn't know any better. She was just modelling something she'd see me do.
She was exercising her imagination, which I'm all for!
To be honest I was more relieved than anything that she experimented on Barbie and not her own hair (she's got this amazing head of blonde curls- I would have been so sad if she slaughtered it).
So when I actually realized what had just happened, my response to her was (in a very calm tone)...
next time you have the idea of cut your dolls hair, please speak to mummy or daddy so we can make sure it's safe and so we can find a good spot in the house to do.
I knew if I yelled at her and blamed her for all the wrong, then no doubt this would happen again behind closed doors because she would totally be afraid of our reaction.
again... this was just a 5 year old girl modelling what she had seen mum do and was using her imagination in play.
In the next day or so, her and I will have another conversation to reflect on what happened and discuss what we'll do different next time to make sure all is good.
no blame. no shame. no pain involved over here!
I can't stress enough how much your own behaviour dictates your child's behaviour.
Your kiddo is watching your every move.
You are your child's most influential teacher in life.
You've got this,
- Cori
p.s. as stressful as parenting can be... you need to know you're not in it alone. Parenting is NOT intuitive, it's hard eff-ing work. If you need solutions, a plan, or a sounding board then let's get on the phone and chat. Book in a 30 minute call (this one's on me)
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Dealing with challenging relationships over the holidays
Whether it is a holiday dinner, New Years gathering or vacation with family, you may need to deal with “challenging” relationships. The following tips are intended to make your interactions FEEL BETTER.
This time of year whether it is a holiday dinner, New years gathering or vacation with family, you may need to deal with “challenging” relationships. The following tips are intended to make your interactions FEEL BETTER.
1. Remember you are often attending an event to make someone else happy, your partner, mother, boss. Doing things you prefer not to do, for someone you care about, makes it easier to accept being with people you don’t want to be with. Feel good about the kindness you are showing.
You are also modelling this give and take behaviour for your children, particularly adolescents, who don’t want to go to “boring” aunt Mary’s house, where everybody asks him too many questions. It is an opportunity to demonstrate the give and take that goes on between people in any meaningful relationship.
2. Don’t expect there to be any change in the people who you feel are “challenging”. They are going to behave in the same annoying way they have always behaved. But if you go into those social situations hoping that they will miraculously change in the next ten days or two weeks you will be sorely disappointed. Expecting people to be exactly the same as they were last visit, will help you FEEL BETTER and be much less disappointed. You might even laugh at the first irritating comment.
3. Be prepared with answers to the typical annoying questions or comments that friends and relatives ask at social gatherings.
“When are you two having a baby?”
Answer with humour-don’t worry grandma you will be the first to know.
Or We prefer to keep that private, tell me what you enjoyed most about parenting?
“The children need to be taught better table manners”
The best answer ever for many comments is I am sorry you feel that way.
It acknowledges that you have heard the other person but doesn’t engage with them or create immediate conflict. Then deflect. I wanted to make sure I told you how well your grandson/daughter is doing at school. His teachers love him.
4. Pamper yourself before and after the social interactions. Buy yourself flowers, get a massage, buy the expensive bottle of wine you were reluctant to buy last week. Something to look forward to.
5. Find the least annoying person in the room and spend time with them. Notice the special positive moments that are occurring, the nice music, warm fire, decorations, and savour the moment.
6. If you want to address an issue with a friend or relative do it ahead of time. Start the conversation with a positive, “we really appreciate all the lovely gifts you give the kids”, express your issue clearly “we would appreciate you giving the kids fewer gifts this year, we want them to appreciate what they get and not have too much” and ask the other person what they think or feel, would that work for you? This can create a mutually respectful dialogue.
7. When some relationships become extremely difficult and you want to change the holiday/vacation plans you should do so. It is not your job to make everyone happy particularly at your own expense. Meet your own and your immediate family's needs and find different ways to spend time together with other friends and family. You have not done anything wrong by making a change and you can find effective ways to deal with the range of feelings you may experience.
For more strategies and tools for building good meaningful constructive relationships during the holidays and throughout the year check out. https://feelingbetterthebook.com
Feeling better beats depression and improves relationships with interpersonal psychotherapy
Cindy Goodman Stulberg, D.C.S.,C.Psych.
Psychologist and Director
Institute for Interpersonal Psychotherapy
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"heads up"- get your child to listen to you.
My most used strategy lately has been the "heads up" strategy. This is my 'go-to' when I need my kids to listen to me and transition away from something that they really really enjoy (cue a really deep breath).
I've been finding myself short fusing a bit lately and I'm not sure if it's because...
there are never EVER enough hours in a day to get shit done,
I'm not getting enough sleep,
I'm not carving out time for self-care,
or
ALL OF THE ABOVE!
(it's likely all of the above).
Now the shittiest thing about this is that my kids know exactly how to push every possible button of mine to get me to my breaking point. I wouldn't say it's intentional, they just both need my undivided attention at the exact. same. time. (funny how that works eh?!)
With that said, I've had to sit down and make a list of my most easiest (to implement) strategies that will keep me from reacting to them in a way that I'll regret the second after.
What's been my most used strategy lately has been the "heads up" strategy. This is my 'go-to' when I need my kids to transition away from something that they really really enjoy (cue a really deep breath).
Essentially when I know that a transition is coming up, I give my child a warning that what they are doing is ending soon and I let them know exactly what's coming up. For example; just last night my son way playing with his cars and I needed him to get in the shower. So I gave myself enough time to give him not 1, not 2, but 3 heads up that cars were ending and we would be having a shower. Third time's a charm! This is the rule here.
I use this strategy....
to get them in the shower,
to get them dressed,
to get them to the table to eat,
to get those shoes on in the morning,
and the list goes on......
This strategy is only effective if you give yourself enough time to give them the "heads up" that a transition is coming. So it requires a little planning on your part.
I feel such a huge relief when my children transition without putting up a fight. Best feeling!!!!! Total #momwin. It never gets old here.
Since we are dealing with little people here who have very little attention spans, keep in mind that a heads up warning is not effective after saying it once. Third time's a charm! I promise! I sometimes have them repeat it back to me each time just to make sure they are actively listening and not just hearing my noise.
Whether you are feeling exhausted, frustrated, or defeated- there's no reason you can't implement this strategy to help make things a bit easier for yourself. I want you to try this strategy out as soon as possible and let me know how it goes
You've got this!
-Cori
p.s. If you've already tried this strategy and have gotten push back from your child then we need to chat. There's a reason for that and I'll tell you why. Book in a free 30-minute call here.
p.p.s. If you haven't tried this out yet then go for it! I've got a full playbook of strategies and I'm happy to share them with you. I'm here to give you solutions so you can enjoy your time with your child and not have to feel anxious, stressed, or defeated. Book in a FREE 30 minute call so I can tell you how to gain access to my playbook!
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